Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway
by LittleLizzieZentara
Summary: Finally, FINALLY, Castle had come to see her. Instead of the relief she expected, pure terror flooded her. What if the PTSD had caused a problem much earlier? And what if that PTSD was combined with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder)?4x01 'Rise' AU. Belated birthday present for EvaKAlways. Possible spoilers through season 4.
1. Chapter 1

" **First he won't be able to deal with it. It's going to take everything he's got to just put one foot in front of the other and get through the day."**

 **Kate Beckett 4x22 'Undead Again'**

 **There were hints of it in 'Rise' (4x01) but, to me, it just didn't seem like Kate was struggling all that much. Not until 'Kill Shot' (4x09). It could just have been because of how Kate is such a private person and hates to let anyone, even Castle, see her as anything other than completely able to handle whatever life throws her way. At least until 'Always.'**

 **So it got me thinking. What if Kate hadn't been able to keep it together? What if we got to see evidence that it took everything she had just to get through each day?**

 **Because my knowledge of PTSD is pretty much limited to what we saw on the show, I've also added OCD to her condition. I don' t know for sure how prevalent it is for someone with PTSD to have more than one anxiety disorder, but I DO know that it is quite common for someone with OCD to have other conditions combined with it. So if there is anything that leaves someone thinking, 'Someone with PTSD would not be reacting like this' I can assure you that this is EXACTLY what someone with OCD might experience.**

 **When I first mentioned this idea to EvaKAlways, she was very excited about it. So I decided this story would be her VERY (a little over a month) belated birthday present.** **I hope it has at least some of what she was imagining when we Skyped about this story back in June….**

 **Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own Castle. But on the plus side, there are less than 50 days to go before the season 8 premiere! Woohoo!**

 **And there are at least a couple times where I use dialogue from 'Rise' so obviously, those words aren't mine, either.**

* * *

She doesn't know what this is. What she _does_ know is that it's not normal. Not for her. Probably not for anyone.

As soon as the anesthesia had worn off, it started.

Everyone came under suspicion.

 _Everyone._

Doctors. Nurses. Members of the hospital staff that she didn't know, or care, what their job description was.

It was a relief when Josh came in. For some reason, the _whatever_ it was, went away.

Except he wasn't who she wanted to see.

Her father came in next. She felt a little something unpleasant when she saw him, but she was able to shove it aside. He was her _father_. She was in no danger from him.

Finally, _finally_ , Castle came to see her. Instead of the relief she expected, pure terror flooded her. He was talking-when was Castle not talking?-but she could hardly focus on the words.

 _Kate, I love you._

"You don't remember?"

Kate clenched her fists, hoping she was able to keep her tone calm.

He wanted her to _talk_ about it?

They never talked about anything and _this_ is what he wanted to start with?

 _I love you, Kate._

How could those whispered words feel like an anchor while looking into the eyes of the man who had spoken them made her want to run screaming into the night?

Wait. Was it night?

Was it dark?

No, it wasn't dark. She could see sunlight.

But the sniper had shot her in broad daylight. So even that wouldn't protect her.

It wouldn't protect anyone.

She need Castle to go.

 _Now._

Castle had barely shut the door behind him when her first tear fell.

* * *

Time didn't help, except to let her be able to put a name to it: fear.

It was her consent companion. Sleep was her only escape and even with her injury, she got very little of that.

Every thought of Castle brought with it a sharp stab of longing, followed by a tidal wave of fear.

It made no sense. She had nothing, _nothing_ , to fear from Castle. He was the one that tackled her to the ground, saved her from the sniper's bullet.

 _Kate, I love you._

Only when she replayed those words- _only_ those words-did the fear recede. At least a little.

But then the image of his face would pop into her mind, looking down at her with tear-filled eyes and the longing, swiftly followed by the fear, would come back.

It was a vicious cycle she couldn't escape.

She had to call him. She was being discharged from the hospital at any time and then heading off to her father's cabin. She needed to talk to him before she left.

She tapped the button to bring up her contact list, almost dropping the phone when she saw his picture on the small screen with his name directly underneath. Once the expected tidal wave of fear had receded as much as it was going to, with shaking hands she hit the call button.

Her stomach rolled at the first ring.

She wasn't sure she could do this.

It was when she heard his voice-relieved, concerned, hopeful-that she knew.

She couldn't.


	2. Chapter 2

**Not really anything new to say, except to let you know that I will be updating this daily. It's already all written so no worries about my sometimes extremely long waits between updates. Writer's block can be REALLY annoying….**

 **Disclaimer: Still don't own it. I'm still just trying to be patient waiting for season 8 to start.**

* * *

Castle was holding the phone in his hand when it rang. The 'few days' Kate had asked for had ended days ago. Almost twice that length of time had passed since he had last seen her, since he'd had any idea at all how she was handling everything. He had almost called her multiple times during each one of those additional days but if he knew anything about Kate Beckett, he knew the importance of giving her space.

His smile was soft, tender, as he answered the phone with his standard, 'Castle.' He figured this wasn't the right time for a soliloquy about how happy he was to hear her voice.

Except he hadn't heard her voice. Only shaky breathing that was barely audible followed by what he was sure was a muffled sob.

"Beckett?" Castle tried to keep his voice calm. Raising a daughter had taught him plenty about the importance of dealing with emotional meltdowns calmly.

Although he was surprised that she would call him while in such a state. In the almost three years he had known her Castle had only seen Kate Beckett cry twice. First, when she'd been unable to revive Dick Coonan and had lost the only hope she had in solving her mother's murder. The other time, much more recent, was when Castle had to drag her away so that she didn't get killed along with the captain.

"Kate!" His tone was urgent, insistent. It didn't take much for his writer's imagination to come up with a slew of possibilities over what would put his partner in such a state.

"C-c-c-" was all he heard.

"Kate, hang on," Castle said, rushing out of his den, grabbing his jacket, "I'm on my way."

"No!" The almost scream shocked Castle into a sudden stop. "P-p-p-please…"

The plea spurred Castle into action. He ran to the key rack that resembled a shelf of books that Alexis had made him when she was ten and was already at the elevators when she spoke again.

"Castle," his name was whispered, followed by a sob, a loud bang and a crash. "I-I-I" Another sob. "l-l-love you."

Then the line went dead.

If the elevator hadn't opened at that precise moment, Castle knew he would have taken the stairs. Waiting was no longer an option. Kate was in trouble.

He was just about to dial 9-1-1 , or maybe the precinct, he hadn't decided yet, when his phone rang again.

Castle wasn't sure whether to be relieved or not when he saw Kate's face light up the screen. What if it was the sniper and the man was calling to taunt Castle before-

"Rick, its Jim," the familiar voice of Kate's father did little to sooth Castle's worry. It might mean that both of them were in danger. "I don't understand what's going on, but whatever you do, son, _don't_ come to the hospital. Katie….she….she's not doing well right now."

What did _that_ mean?

Castle shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. An impossible task.

"But sir, that's why I should-"

That's when he heard Kate in the background. "Don't let him come, Daddy. _Please._ "

Castle frowned. She sounded-he could hardly wrap his brain around it-afraid of him. Not just afraid, but terrified.

 _Why?_

"Rick, son, I'm sorry, but I have to go. I'll call you when we get to the cabin."

Cabin? What cabin?

But Jim Beckett hung up before Castle could ask.


	3. Chapter 3

**After re-reading this chapter for editing purposes, I decided that I would post both chapters 3 & 4 tonight. I just don't think this chapter alone takes the story far enough for it to be an adequate daily update. I thought about combining the two chapters, but I think I prefer it this way.**

 **Disclaimer: I wish. Oh, how I wish. But nope, still don't own it.**

* * *

She missed Castle.

It felt strange. For almost a month she had wrestled with the feelings of fear that accompanied her thoughts of him. Fear that had slowly, achingly slowly, lessened over time. Kate hated to admit it but she knew it was at least partly because of the medication she had finally agreed to take. It had taken two weeks of being trapped in the vicious cycle of terror before she had finally given in. She only knew how much time it had taken because her dad had finally yelled at her, mentioning that for two weeks she'd wandered around the cabin like a ghost. He had pointed out that if she could get better completely on her own, she wouldn't still be afraid of her own shadow.

Being at the cabin helped, too, once her mind had cleared enough so that she could focus on her surroundings. Nothing about it reminded her of the city. Birds chirping filled her ears rather than blaring car horns. The scent of fresh, clean air greeted her each morning rather than gas fumes. When she ventured outside there were dirt paths rather than concrete sidewalks.

 _Kate, I love you._

The words whispered through her mind, for the first time bringing a smile to her face.

As had become her habit, she forced herself to stare down the image in her mind that followed. Her, on the ground, barely able to take a breath. Castle leaning over her, tears in his eyes. A twinge of fear squeezed in the middle of her chest, but just a twinge. It was bearable.

It was time.

She had to try.

But she wasn't going to do what she did last time. Kate didn't remember much about that call she had made to Castle. She remembered terror, pleading with her dad to not let him come visit her. She remembered that she had tried to speak to him but only single, stuttered words had left her mouth.

The fear wasn't anywhere as bad as it had been. But she didn't want to take any chances.

Her hands didn't even shake when she logged into her e-mail account on the laptop her dad had thought to bring to the cabin after the last trip he had taken to the city.

It helped that she had mentioned to her dad the day before that she was thinking about contacting Castle. She knew that the two men had kept in contact. Kate herself had allowed her parent to call Castle back once she had calmed down after her disastrous attempt at communicating with the writer herself. More than that, she had asked him to. Talking to Castle herself had proven to be impossible at the time, but she knew he had to be frantic. She couldn't risk him just showing up. The thought of seeing him had her curled in on herself, tears streaming down her face.

But even in the midst of a world that suddenly made no sense, Kate was certain of one thing: she loved Richard Castle with a love that was stronger even than the fear. And she knew his love for her was equally as strong.

So Castle was kept informed of how she was healing, at least physically. She didn't want him to know much regarding her psychological state.

Although she had allowed him to know that she had PTSD. She couldn't see a way around it, not after that phone call her mind had largely blocked out. Much like it had blocked out most of those first two weeks.

She was just about to start typing when she heard a 'ding' and saw that Castle was on-line. An e-mail would be easier, but this way she wouldn't have to wait as long for his reply.

Kate wasn't completely sure that was a good thing.

Her hands hovered over the keyboard for a few seconds before she made her decision.


	4. Chapter 4

**As promised, here is chapter 4.**

 **Disclaimer: Nope, nothing has changed in the last 10 minutes. I still don't own it.**

* * *

She might change her mind.

Castle knew that and was trying to emotionally prepare himself for it.

But even if she didn't contact him within the next twelve or so hours, he had hope. Because for the first time since that phone call that still hurt Castle to think about, Kate was reaching out to him. Granted, she wasn't reaching out to him directly. Instead, she had told her father that she wanted to contact him and she gave him permission to let Castle know.

It was enough.

Castle didn't pretend, even to himself, to understand what she was going through. As soon as Jim Beckett had mentioned PTSD, Castle had begun to gather whatever information on the illness that he could. He had spoken to a psychiatrist who specialized in treating those with the condition. He had gotten permission to speak with a couple of women who had suffered with it. He had also spoken to the husband, mother, best friend and sister of one of those women, to find out how they had been affected. Around that same time, he read no less than ten books on the subject. After that, he had read another book that briefly covered all the different types of anxiety disorders.

When…if…

No, _when_. He needed to stay positive. When Kate allowed him back into her life, Castle wanted to be as prepared as possible

Castle had barely logged on to his e-mail account when he saw it. Her name had appeared in the instant message window, showing that she was on-line.

He didn't even have time to wonder if she was actually going to personally communicate with him for the first time in over a month-he was grateful that she had allowed Jim to keep him updated on her condition but what he had really need was to talk to _her_ -when the first message came.

Kate says: "Hi, Castle."

The tears that filled his eyes made the message slightly blurry. After blinking a few times to clear away the moisture, he typed back.

Castle says: "Hi."

There was a long pause, long enough to get him worried before the 'Kate is typing' message appeared.

Kate says: "I miss you."

Castle had typed 'I'll be there in a few hours' before he was really aware of what he was doing. Quickly deleting the words, he replaced them with, "I miss you, too."

Another long pause made Castle wonder exactly how difficult this was for her. Was she fighting a panic attack? Was she crying? Was it too soon? Was she regretting that she even started this conversation?

Kate says: "I'm sorry."

Not sure what she was sorry for and not knowing how to reply, Castle was relieved when another message quickly followed.

Kate says: "For not contacting you."

Castle didn't even have to think of a reply. It was the only thing he could have said, would have wanted to say in this situation.

Castle says: "You don't need to apologize for that. You let your dad let me know what was going on. It was enough."

Kate's reply was as immediate as Castle's had been.

Kate says: "No, it wasn't. But it was all I could give you then."

Castle wondered if there was significance in the word 'then.' He wanted to ask her if that meant that she would keep contacting him like this. If it would soon move to phone calls where he could actually hear her voice.

Kate says: "I don't know if I'm ready for us to talk on the phone yet. I'm doing better but…"

Castle smiled. If they _had_ been talking on the phone he was sure that would have been a 'finishing each other's sentences' moment.

Castle says: "Whenever you're ready. No rush. No pressure. I'm here. For whatever you need.

Even if it's for me to just leave you alone."

He meant it. As difficult as it would be for him-nearly impossible-he would do it.

Kate says: "NO! I _miss_ you, Castle. So much I can hardly…."

Castle froze when his phone rang.

That couldn't possibly be Kate, could it? She had just said she wasn't ready to talk on the phone.

With shaking hands he picked up his phone.

Kate's face filled the screen.

She was calling him?

She was _calling_ him!

"Kate." Castle couldn't have kept the overwhelming love for this woman from flooding his tone if he tried.

"Castle." His name was choked out on a sob.

"Kate, you don't have to do this. If you're not ready, if you need to-"

"I need _you."_ Castle had gotten up from his chair, ready to rush out the door when she continued. "I mean….I mean…"

"It's okay, Kate."

"It's not! It's not okay, Castle. Stop saying that it is."

He wasn't sure how to reply to that.

"I'm sorry, I just…I don't want to….You must think….I can't even….And you're so…..And I'm…."

Castle wasn't sure what she was getting at, but he didn't want her to doubt, for one second, that he thought of her as highly as he ever did. "You're extraordinary."

"But I'm not, Castle." Castle could hear the tears in her voice. "Not anymore. I…I'm a mess. I don't deserve…."

"You're you, Kate," Castle said. "The extraordinary KB."

"But I'm not that right now, Castle."

"Kate, you are fighting one of the most difficult battles there is. Every second, every minute. One you can't get away from, because it's inside of you. In your mind, your body. And you're _winning_ , Kate."

"I'm not-"

"You're talking to me, aren't you?"

Castle knew she understood. He had been tied into her PTSD because of his declaration of love right after she got shot. The two things were tied together, inseparable.

Yet she was climbing out of that dark, seemingly bottomless well. Brick by brick, day by day, she was making her way back.

She was extraordinary.


	5. Chapter 5

**As promised, another day, another chapter. And, as it turns out, the last chapter. It seems so long since I wrote my last fan fic that it just felt especially good to be writing again.**

 **Disclaimer: Still don't own it. And still counting the days until season 8 starts….**

* * *

Kate had wondered if seeing Castle would bring about a panic attack. She hadn't had one in over a month. She hadn't even had one that first time she called him, a little over two months ago now. They had been in contact almost daily until he had to go on his three-week book tour. Normally those trips lasted closer to six weeks but both Paula and Gina had agreed that, considering the circumstances, a shorter one would be better. As busy as he had been, he had still sent her a quick e-mail most evenings and, if she was online, would give her a call. The conversations had been short-it was usually late when he called and he needed to make sure he got enough rest for the long days of book readings, book signings and meeting with reporters. But those short conversations had helped. More than Castle probably realized.

He was sitting at the table, smiling up at woman who handed the newly purchased copy of 'Heat Rises.' It was his professional smile, Kate knew. Seeing it, seeing him, made her heart race, but in a good way. Instead of the panic she had worried about, all she felt was a growing excitement.

Not that anything was going to happen between them.

Not yet.

Possibly not for a long time.

Her PTSD, which her psychiatrist had helped her see was mixed with a touch of obsessive compulsive disorder-which was why she had struggled so much those first two weeks with the images from her shooting playing in a constant mental loop-was now under control. Her sleeping was still somewhat erratic, but that wasn't anything unusual. Her job, as well as her own inner drive for justice, had made late nights at the precinct the norm years ago.

Kate considered cutting to the front of the line-Castle certainly wouldn't object and enough fans would probably recognize her as the inspiration for Nikki Heat, so most of them probably wouldn't object, either-but she decided to take this time to drink in the sight of him and get her thoughts in order.

She needed to talk to him. Not that she hadn't been talking to him regularly over the last couple months, but those had been filled keeping him updated on her recovery and anything that didn't have to do with her shooting or her mother's case. She hadn't even known that Castle had been working on her case as much as Ryan and Esposito had until the boys told her. Castle hadn't said a word about the new captain throwing him out. That was her fault, though. She had told him during that first call from her father's cabin that she didn't want to hear about anything to do with the precinct, or her shooting, or even her mother's case. That she just needed space from all of it, as much as she could get, anyway, with her psychological issues being a constant reminder. Not that she had worded it that way, of course. But Castle, being Castle, had understood.

No, this time she needed to talk to him about _them_. Even if they wouldn't be 'them' in the way she wanted until she could give to him as much as he always gave to her. It could be a long, difficult road. It already had been. But Castle was worth it.

"Kate," she told him when she finally made it to the front of the line, holding her copy of his newest Nikki Heat novel out for him to take. "You can make it out to Kate."

The way he beamed at her made it impossible to not respond with an answering grin.

"You didn't need to buy a copy," Castle chided gently. "I've already got you one." He turned and Paula, who had been standing close by talking to the owner of the bookstore, approached and handed him a book that she had pulled out of the bag slung over her shoulder. "I didn't want anyone taking it by mistake," he explained. "It's already signed," he added as he handed it over to her.

Knowing there were others in line waiting to talk to him and not wanting hundreds of fans to overhear what she wanted to say, Kate asked, "Castle, can we talk for a second? Not now, but after?"

Castle glanced at his watch. "It's going to be another hour, at least."

"I can wait."

"Go," Paula surprised them both by saying.

"What?"

Their response was in unison, and it hit Kate how much she missed this. Being in sync was one of the many things her shooting and subsequent illness had stolen from her. The relief that they would, in time, get it back, washed over her.

"You're no good to me like this," Paula said to Castle, although the glance she sent Kate's way was open and friendly, not impatient and irritated. "You know you won't be able to focus. Just be back in an hour. We'll tell everyone it's a late lunch break."

Kate frowned in puzzlement. A lunch break at four-thirty in the afternoon?

"And when you get back, you can be here for another two or three hours, instead of just one. That should sooth any ruffled feathers."

"Castle, I really can wait," Kate assured him.

Castle shook his head. "No, she's right." He stood and walked around to Kate, ignoring the disappointed groans of his fans, which quickly subsided when Paula explained that he would be back and staying even longer than originally planned.

The other woman's words were nothing more than background noise to Kate as she walked across the room and out of the bookstore. Already knowing where she wanted to go, Kate headed to the park across the street, sitting on one of the swings. Once Castle had sat down in the other one, Kate couldn't wait any longer to ask, "Did I say anything? When I called you? At the hospital? I don't really remember much about it, and I tried to just put it behind me, but-"

"The OCD," Castle said, using the commonly used abbreviation for the condition that made it nearly impossible to let a thought go until the anxiety surrounding it subsided.

Kate just nodded. She didn't like to talk about her illness, not even with her psychiatrist or Castle. But it had been necessary to talk to Dr. Burke about it so that she could get the professional help she needed to heal. And talking to Castle about it was part of keeping him updated on how she was progressing.

"You didn't say much," Castle said after a few moments of silence. "You could hardly even say my name."

When his voice cracked on the last word, Kate reached over and took one of his hands in both of hers.

"You asked me not to come see you," he went on. "The idea terrified you."

"Did I," Kate swallowed hard, "say…anything…else?"

"Kate, I don't know if I should-"

"Please, Castle. I need to know."

The way he suddenly tensed and shot her a look of concern before speaking gave her the answer before his words did. "You had a difficult time getting it out, but," his voice dropped to a whisper, "You said, 'I love you.'"

Kate gasped. Hearing those words from Castle again affected her more strongly than she had been expecting.

"Kate! Are you okay? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-"

"No, Castle," Kate's tone was firm. She had asked. "I wanted, needed to know."

"So it's not triggering-"

Kate shook her head. "It just…" She took a deep breath. "Hearing you say it, and knowing it's what I said…"

"Kate, you don't need to deal with this right now," Castle said. "I know I asked you if you remembered what I said when I saw you at the hospital, but that was before I knew…"

"It's not just the illness, Castle." Only recently had Kate fully accepted that her condition was an illness and not merely a failure to cope, a weakness that showed she was less than she should be. "After my mother was killed, something inside me changed. It's like I built up this wall inside. I don't know, I guess I just didn't want to get hurt like that again." Except she knew, had known for a long time, that hurting her was the last thing Castle would ever want. The fears that she'd had before her shooting, before he had point-blank told her how he felt, fears that he didn't really feel the way she did, that it was just flirting, attraction because of her looks-now seemed ridiculous. Other fears that had cropped up, that even when they were together that she might not be enough for him, were ones that she couldn't deal with right now. "I know that I'm not going to be able to be the kind of person I want to be. I know that I'm not going to be able to have the kind of relationship that I want, until that wall comes down."

"Kate, I told you that whatever you need, all you have to do is ask. I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere."

Kate bit her lip, looking down, pushing her toes against the ground as if she wanted to leave.

But that was the last thing she wanted.

"I need…" What did she need?

 _Castle._

Kate shook her head. She did need him, but telling him that when she couldn't give him what he needed didn't seem fair. She may not be able to be the type of person she wanted to be at the moment, but she would work on it. She would get there.

For now, she would give him what she could.

Her friendship.

Her loyalty.

And, although she couldn't say the words outright as she had at the hospital, the knowledge that she loved him.

He knew that she had broken up with Josh. That was one of the first things she had mentioned after telling him she missed him. And he had already known, she had found out, since her dad had told him during one of their first conversations.

Now he needed….

To know what she needed. Kate knew all about his need to help those he loved.

And he loved her.

He really, really loved her.

And he would wait. As long as she needed him to.

"I guess I need time. Time to work through everything, time for that wall to come down. I need things to be back to normal. To solve my mother's case. But Castle?" His calm acceptance of what she was saying made it easier to say the rest. "I need you to know that I meant it. What I said. I don't know when I'll be able to say it again, but I do. And that relationship that I want? I want it to be with you."

Castle's eyes twinkled, but his words, although warm, were calm. "I did, too. Mean it, what I said. And I'll say it again whenever you want, as often as you want. And as soon as you're ready, we'll have that relationship you want. Because Kate? All I want is you."

* * *

 **I thought about putting this note before the beginning of the chapter, but I didn't want to give spoilers to anyone who didn't want them. Those of you who know all about PTSD or OCD, who maybe have a friend or family member who has experienced it, may be thinking, 'There's no way that she would recover that fast.' I don't entirely disagree with you. I just decided to stay with the timeline the episode had. It certainly could take years for her to get to the point where I have her at the end of this story.**

 **The fact that Castle was part of the PTSD and her OCD does make it seem surprising that she would be so willing to let him back into her life. There are two things about that I want to mention. First, Kate's love for Castle is as strong as her fear, especially in this story. And two, it is possible for something that terrified you at one point to be something you come to love once enough healing has taken place. I know of a specific situation where the original Star Wars trilogy triggered the first OCD flare-up (OCD can manifest itself in many ways, in this case it was someone who was strongly religious freaking out about the Force, which was very different from her own views) and years later that ended up becoming one of her favorite movies.**


End file.
